Thursday, September 21, 2017

Freedom

Blog prompt was from Mama Kat (I can't figure out how to do the html part, its been forever since I've done it!)

5. Share something you miss from before you became a mom
I do love these little buggers!



I miss the freedom of spontaneity. When I was first married, my husband at the time was stationed in Germany and was gone about 95% of the time in the field. The army had him gone every few months so I took full advantage of it and saw everything I wanted to see. I had gone on trips to Amsterdam, France, and the Black Forest. We were going to go to England and Italy but didn't make time to go. My dad was also stationed here the same time we were so I went on trips with my mom and sister also. I had made friends who had children and they didn't go out much. I didn't want to live like that.

I actually didn't want children, ok a part of me did, but I enjoyed my child free life. My husband at the time talked to me about having kids when he came back from deployment. I was 24 at the time and I nervously agreed. We tried when he got back and in 3 months time I was pregnant.
I don't regret my kids, even our surprise third one with my husband now. I know that I will get my freedom back when they all grow up and move out. People tell me I will miss the days when they were little. A part of me will, but the "I love my freedom" part will not!

What do you miss?

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Being Ugly

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Credit: https://hisgracemygrowth.wordpress.com/2013/10/17/ugly-heart/


You always hear the saying "God don't like ugly!" and the quote deems true.  People are so ugly towards each other and I have to admit that I was like that for years.

People who have ugly in their heart bring it out in ways that they can't understand and what others can't understand(or maybe try to).  I have taught my kids to be kind and considerate towards others and it shows through their words and actions.  People come up to me and let me know how amazing they are and it shows pride that I've done a great job.  Looking back at myself I wasn't always that way.

By the time I was 8 my dad joined the army so we moved around, a lot.  I made friends here and there but if you grew up in the army life you knew that you'd eventually have to move and we did, every 2-3 years.  Thankfully through social media I reconnected with friends from school and we keep up with each other.

When I met my now ex husband I just was 19, the selfish teenager, and I didn't really care about anyone but myself (my mother reminds me of this).  I was spoiled growing up and I showed it from birth to my late 20's.  I hated myself, my husband at the time, and just people around me.  We had 2 kids from the marriage and I vowed to myself that I would teach my children to love others even when their own mother had an ugly heart.  I faked myself into friendships, pretending to be who I wasn't, I faked being in love with someone who I really wasn't in love with, and I faked trying to be the best mom I could to 2 young children.

I decided to separate from my husband in 2009.  I had enough of him and I had enough of being fake.  He then decided it was his duty to try to mend it when I had enough of trying to mend it myself.  He tried to get me back, tried to get me jealous, anything to get my attention (for once).  Nothing worked so he decided to get ugly back and tried to do anything to blackmail me, extort me, whatever it took.  Nothing worked that time either.  Our divorce was final in 2011.  He saw the kids once in awhile when it was convenient for him; paid child support once in awhile when it was convenient for him.  When finally the court told him he better step up or he'll be in jail is when he decided to man up.  Right now he hasn't seen or spoken to the kids since January of this year.  Evidently, he's still trying to fix his "ugly heart".

Life went on without him, I worked, went to school, and took care of my 2 children.  I dated off and on but nothing serious.  I met my now husband in the fall of 2012 where he has softened my ugly heart and I mended his.  Our relationship wasn't perfect at the beginning but it has really woken me up to seeing myself and my ugly ways, I saw what I never seen before.  In myself and others.  We got married only a month after, I had told him no a few times when he proposed but he was persistent.  He knew what he wanted and honestly I didn't want him to go away.  Our family wasn't too thrilled when we told them we eloped nor were they overjoyed when we announced our pregnancy a year later. Our now 3 year old has so much love given to him and he has adapted love and kindness from not only his brother and sister but from my husband and I.

I'm now in my late 30's and sometimes I wish I could go back to my old self and change things that I never saw before.  People say "the past is what made you" which is true to a point.  I wish I could be that nicer person I wasn't before.  I wish I could make amends with people that I was so mean to before.

I now go to church on Sundays, attend community group (bible study), and will start attending women's group.  I decided I needed to surround myself with good positive people because I want my kids to continue to be the kinds of people that I should have been so many years ago.



Friday, August 18, 2017

Mom shaming

So I grew up in the 80s so when it comes to parenting now it boggles my mind.  I know that many mom bloggers that are around my age and older have touched on this subject many times.

Mom shaming

I decided to make this post as an inspiration from a post I read earlier today on a facebook page.  A mom was appalled when she saw 2 young kids jumping up and down in the backseat of a car.  I kinda giggled to myself but then remembered that a lot of moms these days didn't grow up in the same generation I did.  We were never rear faced, my mom actually held me in her arms in the front seat of the car after I was born.  Many people argue about the structure of cars then and now and yes, cars were built better back when I was growing up and even before BUT accidents still happened those days also.  You can ask anyone who was born before 1990 and ask them about laying on the back dashboard of the car.  They will tell you stories!

How did we ever survive??


I had my son in 2005 and during my pregnancy I read so many things about infants and I asked my mom about it.  I showed her all these things you aren't supposed to do and what you are supposed to do.  She shook her head and said "This is insane".

When I first gave my son a bath, she wanted to take pictures because, well, thats what moms did back in the day.  I covered up what I needed to and she's like, "Um, what are you doing?"  I told her that now you have to cover up the private parts because people are worried about pedophiles and weirdos online if you post it on social media (Myspace was popular at the time).  She just rolled her eyes and said "Ok".

When I was growing up my parents would take pictures of us with unlit cigarettes in our mouths, I believe there is a picture of me holding up a bottle of Jack Daniels to my mouth (the cap was on just FYI).  People didn't care about things like that, they thought it was hilarious, and we didn't have the internet or cell phones to entertain us!

I grew up with my sister and cousins and we made our own entertainment.  My cousins had a metal swingset that wasn't anchored to the ground.  We also took the plastic pool and put the slide on it and slid down into the pool.  We drank from a well water pump, my aunt and uncle had an actual pump for years until they took it out.  We lived in a country town in Illinois and we never worried about a thing.  My little town has gotten a bit bigger and not as safe as it used to be.

One thing is for certain, every generation is going to be different, every mom is going to be different.  We aren't perfect moms and our moms weren't perfect either.  We all just thought what we were doing was the best we could do for our children.

When you see that new mom struggling, ask her for help, don't criticize her for what she is doing.  Don't tell her what she should do, ask her what you can do to help.  We all were her at one time.

Love each other because moms need it, we all need it!

Thursday, August 10, 2017

I'm back!

So I totally forgot I had this blog and made another one the other day...oops...

Well, I'm back and I'm ready to blog some more.  I'm thinking about vlogging as well.  Stay tuned for posts soon!

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Time marches on

This year makes me feel quite old...why you ask?  Well, the class that is graduating this year are the ones that were born when I was almost a senior myself!

My principal said if we did this we wouldn't receive our diplomas so we didn't..how dull..


Next year is going to make me feel even older!

My sister-in-law graduated tonight from high school as well as a friend of mine's daughter.  In no time flat my son will be graduating(do NOT remind me, he's only going to be 10 this year!)

Next year I will post my graduation picture, I just have to remind myself to do so..you know I'm getting more forgetful in my age!

My husband, who is 6 years younger than I am, never forgets to remind me how old I am.  Next year he will be 30 and its totally on for sure, he will have a birthday he'll never forget!

Congratulations Class of 2015, don't do stupid things like getting married too young and not graduating college!  Live your life and make it amazing!

You! To the Principals office!

I had always been a pretty good student, always trying to stay out of trouble, the shy one...though my friends would probably laugh at that.  My senior year of high school I wanted it to be memorable so I joined clubs, kept busy, ect.  My principal at that time was also the principal when I was in grade school so he knew me well and considering I came from a very small town with a small school he still knew who I was.

Don't pay any mind to the one on the bottom left, she is much better now!


We had this irritable emotional pregnant PE teacher.  She was a pain in the ass, she would bitch at us at every cost.  I hated PE and I used it as a social class.  I don't remember much about what happened but a friend of mine and I gave her attitude, things were said and she screamed to us about seeing the principal.  I laughed under my breath because I had known him for so many years so I knew he'd tell us to be nice.

I was wrong.

We were made to do Saturday detention.  I had never had detention before.  I was expelled from school one time because I punched a little punk out for calling me a fat whale.

Saturday detention wasn't too bad, the teacher that gave it pretty much saw it as a waste of time considering he decided to ask us questions and if we got them right we got to go home.

One day I'll tell you more about my adventures from the class of 1998.


Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Anxiety




I want to share with my readers something that affects about 18 percent of the United States, it is anxiety.

Anxiety is nothing to joke about, it is nothing to look down on people about.  It is real and it is one of the most common mental illness.

When I first experienced anxiety I was a senior in high school.  I had no clue what was going on.  When it hit me I felt like I was ran over by a semi truck.  I thought I was going to black out, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't function.  I felt overwhelmed by a force that wasn't there.

It went away for awhile until I started my freshman year of college.  I lived in the dorm and had a very psychotic roommate.  She was ok as long as she was high on weed but when she was off she was not a force to be reckoned with.  She would throw things around our room, she would yell, threaten, but fortunately she never hit me, I don't know why she never did and really didn't want to know why.

After my first semester I had enough so I moved down to Georgia to live with my parents.  My dad was stationed down there.  My anxiety subsided for awhile..or so I thought.  I was driving down the road with my sister when it hit again.  Driving while having an anxiety attack was not fun.  I would never want anyone to experience what I had experienced that day.  After that my sister knew when I was having one.  She would talk to me and it helped blow over.  Driving was the worst and that was when I started having driving anxiety.

My illness got worse even after I got married.  I went to doctors, therapists, and it seemed that nothing was working.  Medicine helped for awhile but it kind of just helped my depression more than my anxiety.  My first marriage was a disaster, it did not help my anxiety or depression.  That marriage lasted for a mere 10 years.



After that time I lost over 60 lbs and then my anxiety started declining and I was able to drive with little to no problem.  I still have problems driving on the interstate or where ever there is a lot of traffic and cars.  My now husband does not understand driving anxiety, he will never understand.  People who never experienced this will never understand the anguish we go through every day.  We don't have to be driving or even in the car to experience it.  It could happen just by being at home.  I remember having them frequently when I was first married.  I guess that should have been a red flag right?

All joking aside though I still have them, I don't have them as much, and I hope one day they go away completely so I can have my life back.  I want to be able to drive where ever I choose without having that suffocating feeling come and go.  I want to be able to enjoy driving again like when I was 16.

If you never experienced these issues please don't look down on others who do.  You never know if one day you experience them yourself.